Diary of a Winchester Lady: People at the Pool

If you have never been to a public swimming pool, here is a simple recipe for an average afternoon there that everyone can enjoy.

Start with a basic mix of:

·         A handful of ‘serious athletes’

·         A dash of mothers and babies

·         Two life guards (must be in a bright yellow top and red shorts)

·         A sprinkle of the elderly

·         One or two used plasters

·         A group of overweight men or women (must be wheezing and gasping for air constantly)

·         And the cherry on the cake – a pair of ‘moobs’

Adding these ingredients should be done with some force to create ‘splashing’ and ‘splooshing’ sounds.

Once all these ingredients are placed in the mixing bowl, mix well and heat to roughly 30 degrees and the result is as hectic as a scene from a ‘Where’s Wally?’ book.

Please note that the mixture will create an overwhelming stench of chlorine that will get stuck in the back of your throat and make you gag and choke – this is completely normal. If all the ingredients have been added you will also hear a blend of incredibly annoying sounds including children squealing, agitated parents screaming at them, and an intermittent shrill whistle that will echo around the room and will make you feel as though someone is piercing through your eardrum with a rusty needle.

The images you see of swimming pools in glossy magazines and on TV filled with attractive women in bikinis and men with six packs lounging by the pool could not be further from the truth. Finding a handsome toned man or a gorgeous woman at a public swimming pool would be like finding a post-it note explaining the cure for cancer at the bottom of a cereal box.

Replace the image in your mind of a tanned man in tight Speedos with a picture of a 50-something year old man with a beer belly and a chest and back that makes you question whether or not he is in fact wearing a woollen jumper, and you will be getting much closer to the truth. Of course you have to make some allowance for the fact that the lighting in a swimming pool is the kind that highlights absolutely every flaw on any individual who is brave enough to stand in its glow.

Admittedly I am not a serious athlete and on a recent trip to the pool I spent most of my time simply floating around letting my thoughts wonder in the way that most tend to do. I was there with a friend who was also mainly floating as we hoped the waves from other people swimming past us would move us slightly so we appeared to actually be progressing further down the lane.

In fact we were remaining so still it is a wonder that the lifeguard did not think we were having some kind of serious problem. Although that would have involved him climbing from his big chair – or as I am sure he would think of it, pedestal. He was sat towering above the rest of us mere mortals in the glorious clashing colours of his uniform like some sort of colour blind superhero. The rest of us in the pool could at least take some solace in the fact that he was probably staring intently at the water not just to look for danger but contemplating flinging himself into the shallow end to put an end to his misery.

There were points where my friend and I were slightly worried that in the time we were taking accomplishing nothing, one of the babies in the mother and baby class would learn to swim independently and come swimming past us, spraying up water in a blur of armbands and huggies.

Oddly this was not enough to deter me from possibly taking another trip to the pool but for now I have had more than my fair share of being in a confined space with such a varied mix of Winchester’s population.